securitron

Reminiscing on my time moderating the r/OKBR discord and I just remembered the time I got my role demoted because they found out that me and a group of people were planning on raiding the Yo Mama discord server LOOOOLLL. We had crazy beef with the moderators there, it was insane.

In other news, I'm very sick and tired of dealing with people! I'm quite annoyed with a lot that's been happening around me and I just cannot seem to catch a break. Headache after headache, it seems.

Been doing a lot of reading lately. Comics and various classical literature. I think my brain was fried for months, so getting back into this solace is surely rehydrating that part of me that constantly yearns for a good book.

I haven't updated this journal in quite a while due to lack of motivation, and honestly paranoia. I'm trying not to make it other people's problems though.

I love loving and I love feeling loved. I think that is the most ideal thing a person can search for in life, loving one another and becoming complete. Though it is a rule of thumb to learn to love yourself before you love another, but sometimes another person can help you realize what there is to love.

I digress... I have been trying to unmask more recently. I think in doing so, I can let my creative talent run efficiently. I can write and draw all these ideas that flow through my brain without the worry of being embarrassed. This site is a good example of such.

For a majority of my life I have been told that I have abnormal and incoherent speech patterns. My train of thought tends to run wildly and I connect ideas that don't really have a relative connection. I look for the depth in things because that's what I have been conditioned to do. I don't know! I guess you can tell from my prose alone that I don't have my thoughts too organized. I wouldn't have it any other way, though.

Today was pretty rough. I don't think I can go much into it, but it was just a bad day! I feel so isolated. It really, really sucks. I'm surrounded by people yet I don't feel any sort of connection. I fear as though I'm on the brink of snapping.

I don't have much of an update besides my venting. I didn't do much today. I got back into the hang of drawing though...? Perhaps I'll attach some of my drawings in my posts.





Been wanting to draw the cast of Smiling Friends for a very long time... I love that show. I've been rewatching it nonstop and it never gets old for me.

And of course my daily petrigrof drawings. I've always felt so sappy about them and maybe I'll work up the courage to post my more embarrassing stuff. I draw them literally every single day. I feel as though I have to draw them every single day or else I did myself a disservice.

The two most recent drawings of them though, I've been thinking a lot about if apocalypse Simon and Magic Betty met and interacted. Basically, imagine their codependency now but tenfold. Both of them completely mad with the loss of the other and suddenly presented with that solace again, but something's different (they're fucking insane and violent and won't stop at anything to protect each other). Opens the window for so many drawing and fic opportunities I DONT EVEN CARE ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Last thing I drew today was a quick WIP animatic of Airy to Watching the Wheels by John Lennon. The animatic is a bit boring unfortunately. I'll be adding more to it soon so hopefully it's better to watch after some tweaking and editing. This was an incredibly rough draft anyways.

Had probably the weirdest experience of my life today. My mother, sister, elliott and I all went to a psychic that was taking readings and whatnot at our local theater. It was a lot of fun, and honestly very touching. I have always been a bit skeptical when it came to the whole psychic business, but she seemed incredibly legitimate and knew what she was talking about. She was super funny too, which helped to lighten up the more heavy moments of the show.

Before the show, elliott and I were joking around saying we wanted to ask the psychic to summon George Harrison for us. As per my recent Beatles obsession, we would both talk about him a lot. Same with my mother and I, since he is her favorite Beatle. But anyways, the psychic was talking to this one man in the audience, but had stopped midway to say that somebody was trying to get through to her. She had asked if he knew anybody named George and he responded with a "no", and she paused until she announced that George Harrison's spirit was possibly in the room.

It's a bit difficult to describe if you weren't there. But it just seemed so real to all of us.

Normally, I would think that it was a stupid joke, but the coincidences are way too much. The conversation we had before the show, all the music of his we've been listening to, my mother's All Things Must Pass shirt coming in the mail today just before we left. My mother, elliott, and I quite literally talk about him every single day. I was completely shocked this happened. It's just such a specific thing to happen, that I believe it can't be just chance.

Maybe I am being hopeful, or maybe this will read as some flavor of delusional. Why would he visit this shithole of all places? I don't know. But considering how spiritual he was in life, it wouldn't be unheard of for him to visit some psychic showing. She was a pretty famous psychic too. She wrote a book and was on TV a few times to showcase her abilities. This experience made me rethink how skeptical I am about the supernatural.

I am also feeling a lot better today. After the show, my mother and I were very hungry so we stopped by Wendy's and got some food. I was a bit hesitant, but after eating I feel fine and I was able to keep everything down. I'm just so relieved.

I woke up today very nauseous again, but I'll probably be alright by tomorrow.

I want to sort of write a love letter to one of my favorite bands (yes, the Beatles).

While I was growing up, my family has been very attached to the Beatles and their music. My brother, sister, and I have collected an indescribable amount of random merchandise throughout the years that just fill our home. Quite literally, ever since I was an infant, the Beatles and their music has been in my life and I cannot escape them no matter what - but honestly, I would not have it any other way. It seems like every family has their own "thing", and this just so happens to be ours.

I have a very fond memory, and this being one of my first memories related to video games, is watching my brother play that shitty Rock Band Beatles game on the Wii. I still have those freaky 3d models stuck in my head from time to time, haha.

The amount of random Beatles memorabilia that just fills our basement is a sight to ogle at. Replica of Paul's missing bass, huge Abbey Road print that hasn't been taken off the walls in probably 13 years, their cartoon figures, cassettes, CDs, DVDs (official and bootleg!), vinyls, and so much more. Honestly, all of this stuff would be worth a lot of money now, especially with the rerelease of Let it Be on Disney+ (assuming they will get more traction again), but I am just so damn sentimental towards all of this stuff I would never have the heart to think about selling it. Right as I'm typing this, I actually have a copy of Help! on DVD sitting on my desk, waiting for the next time I inevitably watch it again and again.

I have always been under the impression that it is embarrassing to be obsessed with a band such as the Beatles. A lot of my friends tease me about it, and while it can be disheartening because they have been such a vital part of my life (especially my childhood), I guess I can understand the notion. I think as long as I am happy, then that is all that matters.

Health issues are kicking my ass today. I do not have much to look forward to this week unfortunately. Hopefully things will change when I get my license. Freedom so close... I can almost taste it.

Today I saw a TikTok about all of these trends people were doing back in 2020 quarantine and it left me confused because, despite the virus, what has got you so bored to make shitty looking bowls out of genuine vinyl records? The bowls looked like those Tostitos scoops chips. Seeing people handle their records with such idiocy really pisses me off.

Speaking of which, I had also seen quite a few people talk about how they buy vinyls just to use them as decoration. I don't personally see what is so decorative about them aside from the pseudo "retro" factor I guess, like what you would see at a local bar and grill restaurant. Maybe I'm just stingy about the things I collect.

Usually, I tend to find myself gravitating towards physical means of journaling and only when I am in such a desperate mental state that I need to get my thoughts down (yet I cannot imagine myself talking to another about my problems). A few months ago, I found myself in such a tough spot that my mother and I went out and bought many notebooks for my personal use. They're helpful, admittedly. But, I always end up abandoning these journals when I'm sound enough to move on. However, I always keep these journals to look back upon. This Sanrio(tm) notebook sits idly on my desk until my next mental break, I suppose. A grim perspective, but a crutch to rely on.

I believe this site has brought a sort of safe space to my day to day life. Certainly does give me something to do, and a good way to log my thoughts. I will definitely be using this blog to archive emotions, rambles, and notions. Each post will be tagged respectively.

A bio post is not necessary anyways because you all know me already.