securitron

Today I am feeling melancholic, I believe. Not sure. Deep seated hollowness with a hint of embarrassment.

Today was weird. I feel like I drifted through the day within the blink of an eye. Like I completely lost track of time, and I don't know what I was doing between the hours I woke up and where I am now. I cannot remember for the life of me what I was doing during the day, and especially once I arrived at my mom's house. I remember arriving, eating, and then it was 11PM despite the last time I checked the clock it was 6PM. What happened? Is this dissociation? I'm not sure. I think I need somebody else to tell me their thoughts on this before I judge my own.

I have also been having doubts about my art again. I feel like it's not very good or worthy of much. Art is incredibly subjective, but it seems as though mine is the exception.

Recently I have been trying to take time to focus on myself and making myself happy. I had taken a short break from journaling because I figured focusing on the negative and writing it out would only make me spiral more. I think I'm well enough to return to it though. The consequences of my actions are bitter. Of course when I'm an asshole to somebody, they're going to get upset back. However I tend to be impulsive in that regard...? I just don't think through what I say sometimes.

I always try to make a mental note to never trust what I think past 9 PM or so. It's better to sleep on things than to, like I said, act impulsively.

The weather is noticeably becoming warmer and warmer and the fuzziness in my head grows stronger and stronger. A while ago I had drawn a comic based on the transition between spring and summer, and how the change in weather tends to fuck with my emotions. The external feeling of warm air makes me feel nauseous and I can't handle the constant reminders it gives me. I tend to associate things that have happened to me with the weather it occurred with, and this is the exact shit that makes me feel nothing but dread.

On a brighter note, I've been okay regardless of the change in weather. I have been getting back into CFMOT with the recent symbolar update video. I've been waiting for so long for more symbolar content. I couldn't be happier!

Now that April is done and over, I think it's time to focus on the positive. April was such a bleak and horrible month for me. Constant sickness, mental issues arising, whatever it may be. I have hope for May. Please... don't fail me now.